Has it actually been ten years already since we have been engaged in the realm of films dating back to 2004? A decade is certainly a long period of time to build our appreciation for cinema up until this critical point in 2014. In looking back at 2004, one can recall fondly some of the more desirable releases to come out at that time. For instance, the superb Million Dollar Baby was the Academy Award-winning film for 2004. Even the comedies that were released that year gave movie audiences cause to rejoice with such ditties as the sleeper indie hit Napoleon Dynamite and well as mainstream laughers in Mean Girls and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy.
Unfortunately for every gem there is a dud and then some. And 2004 had its share to say the least. So how about getting nostalgic and recalling some of the notable misses that were heaped on misled moviegoers in the observation of the ten-year anniversary? These monotonous movies were saddled in our laps so let’s just revisit some of the undesirable film fodder from a decade ago? And yes…it is with the understanding that you may have personally liked some of these forgettable farces but hey…to each his or her own, right?
A Ten-Year Anniversary (2004-2014): Top 10 Cinematic Duds from Yesterday are: ( in alphabetical order):
1.) Alexander (released in November 2004) Director: Oliver Stone
Alexander was Oscar-winning filmmaker Oliver Stone’s elaborate historical hiccup that told the tale of Alexander the Great (Colin Farrell), the King of Macedonia and one of the greatest military minds ever to be explored. Stone’s bloated costume drama meant to be a compelling epic dripping in passion, atmospheric scope and titillating adventure. Unfortunately, Stone’s tedious saga was overstuffed and excruciatingly painful to sit through with unconvincing corny performances and a synthetic tension-filled urgency with all the sentiment of a dreary Roman pageant dress rehearsal.
This was a messy and monotonous misstep for Stone despite his assemblage of A-list performers saddled in this sword-and-sandals turkey. Although big-budgeted and bombastic, there was nothing particularly this great about this overwrought serving of Alexander that conquered nothing of the moviegoer’s imagination other than making them weary of revisiting their dull high school history books.
2.) Catwoman (released in July 2004) Director: Pitof
Sadly, Catwoman coughed up a hackneyed hairball for director Pitof and his leading lady in Oscar winner Halle Berry who assumed the role of the curvaceous costumed one. Stylish yet profoundly and unintentionally laughable, this saggy superhero vehicle was loosely based on the DC Comic character. Catwoman took the liberty to try and morph into a separate identity away from its original concept. Instead of the feline femme fatale that held both an affectionate and adversarial candle for Batman in the form of Selina Kyle we were introduced to the acrobatic and sultry Patience Phillips (Berry), an artist and graphics designer who meowed her way into mischievousness in her crime-fighting cat costume.
The panning and plucking of Catwoman–deemed as one of the worst films ever conceived–seemed to be inevitable as movie critics and moviegoers alike would rather have buried their heads in a bag of kitty litter as opposed to sitting through another showing of this multi-Razzie Award recipient.
3.) New York Minute (released in May 2004) Director: Dennie Gordon
Okay, so it is rather easy and obvious in lambasting a pointless teen comedy starring the Olsen twins. However, when someone spots a skunk it is instinctive to comment on its odor, right? Former TV Full House stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were given this dismissive and fluffy vehicle (no doubt to capitalize on their built-in appeal with the pre-teen crowd) to romp around in as we see the twins take Manhattan by storm. It is too bad that a storm in Manhattan could not sweep away the Olsen twins in this piece of pubescent pablum.
The woeful and wasted spirit of New York Minute is so hopelessly lackluster that it was even too lazy to simply be an intentional mindless teen treat. The Olsens never do anything of interest in this urban farce that constitutes them to exist on screen other than to breathe and have their blonde hair locks blow in the breeze. And it is a shame in watching veteran funnyman Eugene Levy play second fiddle to these junior pop tarts in this saccharine-coated session of sisterly stagnation. Hey, try repeating that ten times fast without pausing!
4.) Soul Plane (released in May 2004) Director: Jessy Terrero
In the 1970’s and 1980’s taking a ride on the natural high of Soul Train on television was ideal but it took on a whole new meaning when considering the corroding comedy Soul Plane. Relentlessly uninspired in lazy ghetto-minded jokes, lowbrow stereotypical stupidity and sloppy satire, Soul Plane was a glorified minstrel show experiencing more than its share of turbulence in the skies above.
Featuring a group of the day’s top rap stars and comedians, Soul Plane was an exceedingly numbing showcase spearheaded by its tiresome nosedive into embarrassing mockery. It looks as if this flatulent farce wanted to explore the spoofing world by way of the Zucker Brothers had they possessed malt liquor in one hand and a blunt in another hand while patching together the mean-spirited zaniness.
Tiresome and tacky, Soul Plane’s liftoff was labored in racial lunacy and its landing was as equally raunchy in ineptitude.
5.) Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 (released in August 2004) Director: Bob Clark
Is it actually complimentary and/or repetitive to label the tyke-friendly comedy Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 as unimaginatively infantile? The fact that this diaper rash sequel was even conceived in 2004 based on its poorly critically-received 1999 predecessor Baby Geniuses is astounding but then again…this friendly family flick was aimed at the kiddie set so the grating fluffiness could somewhat be overlooked.
Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2’s plot-line involved a group of precocious talkative toddlers banding together to stop a busy body moneybags intruder from learning the essence of their baby-talking skills and exposing this information to the world. The integrity of babies everywhere will feel violated so they must stick it out and combat this adult schemer.
And yet people had the nerve to bad-mouth the presence of Barney the dinosaur in his heyday?
6.) Surviving Christmas (released in October 2004) Director: Mike Mitchell
Movie audiences basically got coal in their stockings based on the major holiday releases back in 2004 that were about as appetizing as leftover stale fruit cake. The yawning Yuletide exploits of Mike Mitchell’s Surviving Christmas and Joe Roth’s Christmas with the Kranks were both uneventful candy cane offerings without the decorative red stripes.
In the case of Surviving Christmas, it was a box office bomb considering its competent cast headed up by Ben Affleck and the late Emmy-winning Sopranos star James Gandolfini not to mention the reputable studio backing of DreamWorks SKG. The misplaced timing of the film both in front of the cameras and behind the scenes (the film was released early in October of that year instead of after the Thanksgiving rush) was undeniable.
Ultimately, Surviving Christmas was a snoozefest and no more entertaining than your drunken Uncle Leo knocking over the Christmas tree en route to drinking some more of the spiked eggnog drink.
7.) Taxi (released in October 2004) Director: Tim Story
Nowadays, then Taxi stars Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah rule the airways as talk show hosts on television. But back in 2004 they teamed up for the flimsy action comedy directed by Tim Story. Despite the critics showing major indifference to this silly-minded and toothless vehicle, Taxi was actually a modest box office success that fans of Fallon and Latifah turned out to see with noted enthusiasm. Taxi was indeed a long fare ride to endure in all its forced manufactured mayhem but it made its financial gain and proved to be a mild hit-maker for its leads.
Latifah stars as Isabelle “Belle” Williams, New York’s fastest and fearless cabdriver who one day wants to drive professionally as a race car driver given her road-maneuvering talents. She eventually hooks up with Fallon’s hapless undercover cop Andy Washburn, an inept driver whose lack of prowess behind the wheel could jeopardize his career. Hence, Andy needs Belle’s speed demon services as they are out to bust a band of elusive Brazilian bank-robbing beauties. Taxi was based on the French comedy of the same name. It is safe to say that both American and French versions were a hack job in every meaning of the word.
Surprisingly, Taxi did not spawn any sequels since its initial showing so for that relief this cockeyed cab ride does deserve a decent tip.
8.) Troy (released in May 2004) Director: Wolfgang Petersen
Troy was indeed an ambitious and boisterous production armed with a notable cast, an adventurous director in Wolfgang Petersen and an opulence worthy of its big screen depiction of Homer’s great literary epic. Unfortunately, Troy felt like a stiffened grand scale costume party in the telling account of the sprawling showcase of love and war set against the raging backdrop of ancient Greece.
Paris (Orlando Bloom), The Prince of Troy, is deeply infatuated with the Queen of Sparta Helen (Diane Kruger) whose hand in marriage belongs to King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson). Among the romantic entanglements involved are the big battle scenes, CGI-surging effects and an all-around splashy Hollywood spectacle that looked exhausting and flushed out.
The critical stance back in 2004 for Troy was as follows: “As physically stimulating as Troy purports to be in content the mental aspect of this film has all the charge of a defective catapult.”–Frank Ochieng, MovieEye
9.) White Chicks (released in June 2004) Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans
It is always a family affair when the Wayans clan comes together to churn out another canned comedy and rake in the lackluster laughs. Older brother Keenen directed his younger siblings Marlon and Shawn in the wacky and wasteful White Chicks about a couple of brotherly FBI agents that go undercover in makeup to thwart the notion of a kidnapping involving the targeted Wilson sisters.
Whatever the intended satire was behind White Chicks (Is it a disguised knock on the Hilton sisters? Is it poking fun at the racist “blackface” insensitivity stunt practiced back in old Hollywood days?) it missed its mark in tapping into its subversive silliness. Broadly derivative and odious, White Chicks could not mine laughs out of a hyena with an overgrown ticklish feather. The Wayans were creatively stretching here and it shows.
If the pinnacle of their success was TV’s In Living Color as their healthy meal plan then surely faceless farces such as White Chicks is the loose-minded fast junk food that goes down the throat without a distinctive taste.
10.) Without A Paddle (released in August 2004) Director: Stephen Brill
Without A Paddle was another rustic-style ruse featuring clueless cads undergoing the wilderness wackiness when it premiered to late summertime movie audiences. The nutty male-bonding among stars Matthew Lillard, Dax Shepard and Seth Green is the movie’s only selling point but that is not saying a lot for a comedy whose reliable paddle could not wade through the misguided muck of this strained mosquito-infested romp.
Lowbrow slapstick, transparent scripting, regurgitated gags, lopsided pacing–all the filming fundamentals that makes Without A Paddle resemble a poor fratboy’s Deliverance knockoff for the millennium age. Of course the movie mastermind behind the pointless Paddle is Stephen Brill, the director that brought us some memorable ditties such as The Mighty Ducks and Little Nicky. Enough said.
Let’s face it…even being up the creek with a reliable Paddle didn’t stop this trivial rural romp from sinking into the water
So who knows…it will be interesting to see what transpires here in present-day 2014 to see what top ten cinematic duds will make the grade in 2024’s reflective look down memory lane? We can hardly wait.
–Frank Ochieng